Life is a stage. Lights, camera, action…put on your make up, suck in your gut, and get ready to act the best you, you know how. Some people perform on the likes of Broadway while others never really get off their high school drama club stage, but either way, every time you walk out your front door….Scene! But once the lights go out….its back to that naggy woman, that man that farts in front of you, leaves the toilet seat up and secretly expects you to “know your role”!
Why do we feel the need to put on such a show? Is staying true to yourself...just being you sooo hard to do? Is it because we don’t genuinely like and accept ourselves…is that the reason for the show? Some of us are CEOs, mothers, wives, belly dancers, artists, computer geeks, sociopaths, and mentally unstable but no matter what category you may fall in, own it! I’ve seen men and women both do it time and time again and guess what!! Eventually your acting skills will wear off, the lights go down and behind the scenes, that mess of yourself you were trying to hide is in full view. Now you are a fake, a phony and those people who were waiting for autographs after the show, have quietly packed their bags and let themselves out!
Don’t be a stay at home mom just because you are entering your 30’s and all your friends are doing it, if you prefer to work 9-5 then go ahead sista! Some men are intimidated by successful head strong women that know what they want and go after it. If that’s the case, then they aren’t the man for you! If they are looking for an Ellie Mae to birth some children, cook a meatloaf and sew some clothes for the babies, then don’t pretend you want to ditch your suits and power lunches for a mini van and “Mommy and Me” classes if that’s not what you truly want. If you choose to save the world one kitten and smile at a time...then chase that dream!
Either way just be honest with yourself and what you want the next scene in your life to be...Just be!
I certainly understand why some people try to hide their true selves, their past mistakes and their not so glorious moments in time, but that’s what makes you, you! I mean.. those days of dancing in the cages at the Spanish Galleon in head-to-toe zebra print were some of my best times, but in hind sight….shheeeezz you couldn’t pay me to do that now..…well maybe! My very first waitress job was a Hooters girl and I remember momma saying “oh Jennie, what are people in Thomasville going to think” and my 19 yr old sassy response was, “I don’t care what people in Thomasville think!” Un-beknownced to me I worked for a huge drug dealer from the west coast who took me and all my friends to Mexico for what my naïve little mind thought was to reward us for working hard..….this was pre-Natalie Holloway! At the time I had a blast; made some mistakes, but man do they make for good story telling. I don’t regret any job I’ve had and try to not regret the men I’ve dated. Although I've had to learn some things the hard way and insist on trying everything just once…which have included everything from ……trading in my Mercedes for a Firebird, breaking up with the nice guy to date the bad boy, mistaking control and manipulation for love. I refuse to regret anything because they all represent the pieces of the puzzle that make up my life story. Although there are days, I feel like I am not where I "think" I should be, at least I am not where I was! You have to be willing to take risks, to step out and find out without having the entire blueprint of your life. One step at a time….we don’t have instincts and gut feelings for no reason at all, that’s your inner conscious yelling at you…pay attention to me, or for some of us it could be your other personality and in that case, self medicate!
I’ve tried my hand at love a few times, and in return got a broken heart wrapped up in a neat little bow. Now don’t mistake this for a “whoa is me – Eiore statement”. I really am ok with it because for the first time in my life, I have embraced Jennie and who I am as a woman…every little freckle, and all my lovely lady lumps.
As you all know, I openly exploit my humblest moments for your entertainment as well as a paint by number explanation to why I am me! There was J, my first grown up relationship even though I was only 20. I attempted to be brave and say I love you first and his response was “thank you”…..really? nice! But he did manage to give me chocolates for Valentines Day that said “I ♥ You”. That was all I got, that was until he broke up with me over the phone the night before I got all four wisdom teeth cut out of my head, great timing!! His reasoning is “I don’t want to hold you back…your young..blah blah”. But my 20 year old mind was saying…no but please, your some what normal…hold me back! In actuality, it was perfect timing because thanks to the codeine and my parents being there to take care of me, I got over the break-up while existing in my “false sense of well-being” fog! I was never pretty enough, skinny enough, anything enough for this guy! I remember telling my sister that he didn’t think I was funny. At the time, I thought it was the age difference; he didn’t get my sense of humor but come on!! She was shocked…she said “If he doesn’t think you are funny, he doesn’t get you”…so true! So honestly I should send him a thank you note for letting me go in order to find someone who can appreciate all of me!!
Speaking of performances…"Satan", well he deserved an Oscar for best villain in the motion picture of “Operation Destroy Jennie's Life” He was what I have deemed a broken down “Rico-wannabe-Suave” ex football star, ex model, ex descent human being, that drifted around through life using and abusing people. So of course, I took him in like a homeless shelter. Yep, you got it, savior complex once again! He made my life a living hell, stole my innocence and ability to believe that everyone deserved the benefit of the doubt. He masterminded techniques to manipulate and control my every move. He verbally abused me, tore me down to a sad shadow of who I used to be. He stole my sunshine, I didn’t laugh, smile or cut jokes. I was trapped in a house…he swindled me into buying. I was trapped inside myself and was too ashamed to ask for help because I had allowed all of it to happen. He created guilt to trap me into this life I had no idea I was getting into!
Even though these relationships acted as speed bumps in my life, I learned that I could pick myself up and get back to being who I was with the help of true friends and family. I didn’t stay true to myself and I will never allow a man to stifle my creativity, laughter and joy ever again! I grew into a stronger, wiser woman who still wants true love and romance but now I can read between the lines and the deceit! So any man who wants all the love, compassion and thoughtfulness that I have to offer has to be real, genuine, and true to himself. If he is a nerd…well then be a nerd! If he is a over grown jock that cant give up his glory days of high school and college then lets play flag football! But don’t try to be something you are not, because the truth always surfaces no matter how deep you think you buried it.
We all need to stop hiding our past and embrace it and laugh at ourselves. It took me a long time to be able to tell the ridiculous stories about “Satan” because it still hurt. Now the stories are quite comical because I’ve embraced it as my past and it has made me who I am today. I’ve had men pull the “Ohhh you got the woman scorn, damaged goods syndrome” dance around my heart and don’t want to get too close because they think I’m incapable of love after someone treated me that way, but you know what…if your scared, then keep on walking! This is me, what made me who I am today and I can love 100% and be as loyal as a cocker spaniel, but only to someone that knows themselves and accepts me and all my goofiness and sass!
The lights are my sunshine, the camera are those who surround me and witness this beautiful life that unfolds everyday and the action is all the adventures I select to be apart of along my journey…this stage I call life! When I step on stage, “I am me” the title to my first book I wrote at the ripe ol age of seven. Before I even knew who I was as a person, I was setting things straight…”I am Me”.
