Love vs. Autonomy

“The idea that men are created free and equal is both true and misleading: men are created different; they lose their social freedom and their individual autonomy in seeking to become like each other.” ~ David Riesman

This nomadic princess holds a resume of relationships that read a little like my professional resume; a hodgepodge of experience. Unfortunately, that experience has mostly created an equation of love + relationship = no autonomy. Perhaps it’s a little selfish of me, but if you are attracted to someone because of their strength, independence, and resilience then why should that change and by all means, why would I want to?

I am no psychiatrist but I am led to believe this is the root of many issues within relationships, at least the demise at my own attempts. Some couples are so willing to give up their dreams and aspirations to please each other and inevitably settle into a massive blob on the couch they end up loosing themselves between the cushions. I, Jennie Goins have been guilty of loosing myself. If I love you, you get it all! My money, my mind, my first time homes owner’s credit, my womb, Layla…and hell Layla’s first born. It seems every time, I find myself roaming the isles of Wal-Mart with the masses, blinded by the fluorescent lights, pretending to care about what cereal he prefers and why I should like the exact same thing and why we should never allow our imaginary children to eat what we grew up on. We then spend Saturday nights doing laundry, ignoring each other and slowly sliding down that slippery slope of ho hum normalcy. Is this what normal people do or just unhappily united couples? Sitting across the table from each other, faces locked into matching laptops, eating dinner, staring off into cyberspace? I’ve been apart of this scene and know other couples who have as well and refuse to once again smell the stench of mediocrity and unfulfilled expectations. Playing the role as ordinary and wondering where Jennie went, leaves me feeling depleted and the only way out of this cycle is to run! Once again, my whole life fits into a storage unit and its time to start over!

I am open to the fact that there is a man out there for each one of us that can take care of our needs, love us unconditionally, and love every weird quirky thing about me; all the while, not expecting me to change just because he wants to put his toothbrush next to mine. It’s not enough to have someone else’s love. It is equally important that you are able to reciprocate those feelings of love and respect. This apprehension has kept me technically single for a few good years now. I have tried a few attempts at what society defines as “relationships” and usually it’s me that goes running for the hills when it gets too real or on occasion I’ve met my match that “pulls a Jennie” before I can…talk about karma!

I occasionally change my mind, take a sporadic detour along my path of life…which by all means, I should. Is it so wrong I want to live my life enjoying the journey and not always having in mind a destination, deadline or a ladder to climb? This issue has poked its ugly little head into most of my relationships because the majority of Americans want security, normalcy and tradition. But no, not me… “Little Miss Fly by the seat of her pants, do everything but ordinary” does not want to invest in this tradition. I want to decorate my tradition with sequins, passport stamps and worldly knowledge. I want to marinate in all that life has to offer, travel millions of miles, shake many hands and learn from the minds of teachers, leaders and the world’s most successful entrepreneurs. If my bucket list consists of riding an elephant in India, milking goats and making goat cheese by the sea in Greece (which it does) and his is to slave away in a cubicle, have 2.5 kids and retire at 60….then somewhere along the road, someone will have to give up their dreams. Its time to start investigating more deeply into what you and a potential lova want out of life because if not, guess who will have to bury their dreams! That would be “Miss want to milk a goat”….then that leaves Granny Jennie sitting on the front porch telling her grandkids that I could’ve, should’ve, would’ve!! I want to be able to look back at my life when I am 110…and yes I said 110 because I plan to live a long healthy life singing Frank Sinatra’s “I did it myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy waaaaaaaaaay”!!

I do believe in both love and autonomy and that yes they can share a bed, have matching toothbrushes and finish each other’s sentences when common goals exist. Dreams are meant to be uniquely yours and most other people will never share the same ones. I would love to be loved and have a companion but not at the risk of mourning the loss of what once was Jennie, a dreamer, free spirited, adventurous little bird who dug her own grave to be someone’s main squeeze. Women, don’t loose that sexy, feminine flirtatious girlfriend role that your man fell for and men don’t forget to remain the prince that opened doors, complimented her endlessly and liked the way she dressed and wore her hair when you met!

To find a man….no… a CHAMPION, with the same spirit of adventure and compassion as myself would be ideal and I am hopeful he exists…..and where he does, I am willing to turn “I” into “we” but not with a silent ME!!

ABC- Always Be Closing

ABC-Always Be Closing

Let’s pretend you’re in sales and have just nailed a presentation to one of the biggest potential clients you have in your “funnel.” The Wild West standoff has begun across the conference room table. Final negotiations on the terms of the contract, budgets and any added incentives to get them to sign on the dotted line are being discussed. You feel like there is no way they could walk away from this as the weighing out of the pros and cons of the agreement began. Much like dating; we face off, consider the agreement, our potential partner and then begin to negotiate the terms.

What do you possess that could be beneficial to me and my life? Do you have a good sense of humor, easy going nature, positive attitude, willingness to compromise, spontaneity, thoughtful, respectful….just to name a few of my non-negotiables. Either way, you put your best offer on the table…do your little song and dance routine while still considering the terms of the contract but eventually there comes a time when the cold calls and initial meetings are over and its down to decision making time.

Anyone who has ever been in sales would agree that a solid yes or no is all you want to hear. No one wants the “call ya back in two weeks”, “maybe next quarter” or “I still have a few more meetings before I make a decision.” Unfortunately putting a deadline on the bottom line isn’t exactly attractive when it comes to dating but why waste each other’s time when you already know you are still shopping around for a better deal or had no intention on signing in the first place! Those two weeks turn into a month than two months and your hanging on to that prospect thinking: they were totally sold on the presentation, they are just waiting for the budget to free up, another contract to end…aka “let me see what’s going to happen with this other so and so” and/or “I would rather be selfish and not have to think about anyone else”, or “I have Hefner syndrome and want to try to be an eternal bachelor and will die alone”. Point being…any way you interpret it, a delay in response is typically not a good thing. Most people shopping for a good deal, know it when they see it! There is no hesitation to sign that contract and kiss the other “potentials” goodbye!! If you’re a great deal and they don’t realize it before you have taken the offer off the table, well then….it won’t take the right one a second meeting before they ask “where do I sign.”

Blame it on human nature…everyone wants what you perceive to be unattainable, just a little bit too good to be true. It’s the chase, the trill of the hunt, which keeps some people chasing their tail, literally for years and years and ending up licking their own wounds.

What are you doing to sweeten the deal/ bait the hook to make me want to bite?? If I am going to sign an exclusive contract than there better be some incentives that go along with it. You better be prepared to stick to the terms of the contract and honor your commitment. I don’t need my other half, I am whole. Nor do I need someone to tell me how they think I should do everything. What I would like is a companion that laughs with me, seek out adventures together, pushes me past what I believe are to be my fears and can simply enjoy each others company. At the end of the day, with the world shut outside, can you just be together. Will this deal survive the competition, other offers

Most contracts have an expiration date that marks the end of the agreement or an option to re-sign. When it comes to dating, you honestly go in with the best intentions hoping there is no expiration date. There certainly comes a time when you should re-evaluate your agreement and decide whether you want to end the contract and move on, or re-sign and progress with the relationship to another level of commitment.

There is always the next step in a relationship and it’s similar to that of renegotiating the terms of contract. People grow and change as you should do throughout your life. You should learn from mistakes, overcome obstacles and become a wiser, stronger and a much nicer person. Don’t come back three months into the contract trying to negotiate a higher rate, terms you didn’t quite understand and claim you didn’t know what kind of agreement you were getting into. Before signing on that dotted line, you better do your research and know who’s sitting on the other side of the table that you want to go into business with. It takes some time to get to know someone and to find out what their motives and intentions are in life. If all they want is a quick deal to make some fast cash….well then they are shopping used car lots…put yourself on the new luxery lot! Those wheeling dealing people don’t care; they are just looking for the next deal to close.

Make your expectations known, your intentions true, so that when you go to the final meeting and decide whether or not you want to sign that contract, you have all your ducks in a row and you are ready to either decline or accept and sign on that line!

Love Is A Verb

Agape –unconditional, Eros – romantic and Philia – brotherly

Love can exist everyday, anywhere. It doesn’t have to be mushy, only on Valentine’s Day, or while exchanging vows. That kind of love called Eros, is a love that is romantic, passionate and sensual. In Greco-Roman tradition the phenomenon of love was generally understood as madness from the gods. Stories and images of love’s arrows would pierce or wound the lover’s hearts and overwhelm them with a love sickness. The Romeo and Juliet’s of our history may be the only source, the only understanding some have of the verb, love. Or current versions of this love turn to obsession, stalking, or fatal attraction!

Love can simply equal kindness….are you really that busy you don’t have two seconds to let that one car out in front of you, hold the door for a stranger, wait while someone else takes too long to order their food. You can show love to stranger with just a smile. This my friends is, agape, an unconditional, true love for mankind. The Bible describes it as a sacrificial love. Love is patient, love is kind. It represents humility, unselfishness, along with understanding and acceptance for one another. Sometimes our differences are what balance out and create lasting relationships, that is only when we learn to accept them.

We have all heard “live like we were dying” even Tim McGraw agrees but why not “love like we were dying”…..such a novel concept! Not one of us is promised tomorrow. Would you honestly want your last day on earth to be spent crying over a silly situation you have no power to change, being angry because the clerk at the grocery store put too many groceries in one bag…because that drives me crazy! Seriously people, take it with a grain of salt. Do not let past hurts, the way someone treated you 10 years ago effect the way you treat the ones around you today. I learned first hand the hard way because I have pushed some very nice people away because I had not fully let go of some hurt that was still in my heart. It was never their fault I chose crappy relationships, but they sure were paying for it. So maybe you grew up in a not so affectionate home where no one said “I love you” or hugged and kissed each other hello and goodbye. I am soo thankful that I did! Even though some days we showed our love for one another by fist fighting over the remote control, getting slapped in the face with a pair of blue jeans or pulling the chair out from under each other. We love hard – “that’s what us Goins’ do.” We hug you and love you and pet you, we do everything 100%. Philia- the love of loyalty, felt from parents to their children, within a family or friendships. It is a mere acceptance of each other no matter what but it requires virtue! Everyone has a different way to love and be loved. No matter where you are with love a must read is “The Five Love Languages”. It explains how different personalities need to be loved and how to love everyone and I mean everyone! Even if they are a negative Nancy who fusses about the weather, the drive to work and the drive home from work…..work, then about you, and then about him, you can love that person too!

Could you even conceive of how different the world would be if instead of allowing anger to eat you up when someone makes you mad, you forgave them? Instead of shooting someone over a drug deal gone bad, you turned the other cheek, let them have their crack and walk away. I know from living in Charlotte that this place could benefit from less crime and retaliation. If only we sowed kindness and love instead of anger and resentment how much more peaceful could our lives be. I recently had the privilege to participate in a “helping hands mission” with my parents and their church. I have found that over time, I benefit more from self-less acts and kindness than being selfish and doing just for Jennie. To see the gratitude come across these people's face in return for a hot dog lunch, few articles of clothing and some can food, overflows my heart and is in one word… Love! There were people who were surprised that someone actually wanted to help them, and that we were just giving those supplies out of love. There were single people, couples and families up to six people who were on disability, unemployment and had health issues. During the registration process, almost every single person checked the box that asked if “they would like for a church to contact them.” Imagine that, over 500 people in one day in Thomasville, wanted someone to reach out to them. Unfortunately we like to think we are soooo busy with our own business we would quickly pass them by on the street on the way to have our $6 coffee and power lunch with colleagues that we never once think to show them generosity or kindness. There were those who filled out their information cards that asked for prayer for themselves, their health, family, a job….the same thing you and I, who are more fortunate, have on our hearts and minds! A war vet came in….(insert joke here) – that fought in the “Veteran War” ba dum dum, with his hat on and was so thrilled to get a hot dog lunch and a box of food, he grinned ear to ear and kept saying, “thank you”, “wow”, “thank you”! This man went to war for our country and is now barely getting by off of his social security and disability. He made a huge sacrifice to fight for us and all we did was give him a hot dog and he’s the one saying thank you!!

We must do more. There is a call to action here people. It is to sew generosity and kindness every step of your day. It may take a little more effort or a few more seconds, but the rewards you’ll reap from showing love can change a person’s life. A word of encouragement and a positive outlook just may be all another person needs to get by that day. Stop tearing people down with your judgemental comments and build them up. The challenge here is to be kind to a stranger, but better yet, be kind to those who already love you and accept you for everything you are or everything you are not. They are the grease in your gears, the oil in your motor…which reminds me I need oil change! And oh yea, if you change the oil in your car every few thousands miles, don’t you think YOU need a little oil change? We all get weary, worn out, stressed out from everyday life events, so take a little time for yourself to be silent, with no TV, just you and who ever you choose to meditate on and reflect on everything you have to be thankful for…a job, a home, friends, family, food in the fridge, a car, A/C, and the freedom that you have a choice!! Gratitude changes your attitude to one of acceptance and allows better things to come your way.

I would much rather have engraved on my urn (because I want to be cremated and returned to the earth, preferably to the ocean) that I loved too much, I was too kind to people who mistreated me and my bubbly, too happy personality got on your nerves, than have R.I.P – Rest in Peace- meaning your welcome you’re gone because you never had a day of living peace nor did the people around you!!

I dare you…be nice, be generous, love a little more!! Agape, Aros, or Phylos – do love!

Lights, Camera, Action!

Life is a stage. Lights, camera, action…put on your make up, suck in your gut, and get ready to act the best you, you know how. Some people perform on the likes of Broadway while others never really get off their high school drama club stage, but either way, every time you walk out your front door….Scene! But once the lights go out….its back to that naggy woman, that man that farts in front of you, leaves the toilet seat up and secretly expects you to “know your role”!

Why do we feel the need to put on such a show? Is staying true to yourself...just being you sooo hard to do? Is it because we don’t genuinely like and accept ourselves…is that the reason for the show? Some of us are CEOs, mothers, wives, belly dancers, artists, computer geeks, sociopaths, and mentally unstable but no matter what category you may fall in, own it! I’ve seen men and women both do it time and time again and guess what!! Eventually your acting skills will wear off, the lights go down and behind the scenes, that mess of yourself you were trying to hide is in full view. Now you are a fake, a phony and those people who were waiting for autographs after the show, have quietly packed their bags and let themselves out!

Don’t be a stay at home mom just because you are entering your 30’s and all your friends are doing it, if you prefer to work 9-5 then go ahead sista! Some men are intimidated by successful head strong women that know what they want and go after it. If that’s the case, then they aren’t the man for you! If they are looking for an Ellie Mae to birth some children, cook a meatloaf and sew some clothes for the babies, then don’t pretend you want to ditch your suits and power lunches for a mini van and “Mommy and Me” classes if that’s not what you truly want. If you choose to save the world one kitten and smile at a time...then chase that dream!
Either way just be honest with yourself and what you want the next scene in your life to be...Just be!

I certainly understand why some people try to hide their true selves, their past mistakes and their not so glorious moments in time, but that’s what makes you, you! I mean.. those days of dancing in the cages at the Spanish Galleon in head-to-toe zebra print were some of my best times, but in hind sight….shheeeezz you couldn’t pay me to do that now..…well maybe! My very first waitress job was a Hooters girl and I remember momma saying “oh Jennie, what are people in Thomasville going to think” and my 19 yr old sassy response was, “I don’t care what people in Thomasville think!” Un-beknownced to me I worked for a huge drug dealer from the west coast who took me and all my friends to Mexico for what my naïve little mind thought was to reward us for working hard..….this was pre-Natalie Holloway! At the time I had a blast; made some mistakes, but man do they make for good story telling. I don’t regret any job I’ve had and try to not regret the men I’ve dated. Although I've had to learn some things the hard way and insist on trying everything just once…which have included everything from ……trading in my Mercedes for a Firebird, breaking up with the nice guy to date the bad boy, mistaking control and manipulation for love. I refuse to regret anything because they all represent the pieces of the puzzle that make up my life story. Although there are days, I feel like I am not where I "think" I should be, at least I am not where I was! You have to be willing to take risks, to step out and find out without having the entire blueprint of your life. One step at a time….we don’t have instincts and gut feelings for no reason at all, that’s your inner conscious yelling at you…pay attention to me, or for some of us it could be your other personality and in that case, self medicate!

I’ve tried my hand at love a few times, and in return got a broken heart wrapped up in a neat little bow. Now don’t mistake this for a “whoa is me – Eiore statement”. I really am ok with it because for the first time in my life, I have embraced Jennie and who I am as a woman…every little freckle, and all my lovely lady lumps.

As you all know, I openly exploit my humblest moments for your entertainment as well as a paint by number explanation to why I am me! There was J, my first grown up relationship even though I was only 20. I attempted to be brave and say I love you first and his response was “thank you”…..really? nice! But he did manage to give me chocolates for Valentines Day that said “I ♥ You”. That was all I got, that was until he broke up with me over the phone the night before I got all four wisdom teeth cut out of my head, great timing!! His reasoning is “I don’t want to hold you back…your young..blah blah”. But my 20 year old mind was saying…no but please, your some what normal…hold me back! In actuality, it was perfect timing because thanks to the codeine and my parents being there to take care of me, I got over the break-up while existing in my “false sense of well-being” fog! I was never pretty enough, skinny enough, anything enough for this guy! I remember telling my sister that he didn’t think I was funny. At the time, I thought it was the age difference; he didn’t get my sense of humor but come on!! She was shocked…she said “If he doesn’t think you are funny, he doesn’t get you”…so true! So honestly I should send him a thank you note for letting me go in order to find someone who can appreciate all of me!!

Speaking of performances…"Satan", well he deserved an Oscar for best villain in the motion picture of “Operation Destroy Jennie's Life” He was what I have deemed a broken down “Rico-wannabe-Suave” ex football star, ex model, ex descent human being, that drifted around through life using and abusing people. So of course, I took him in like a homeless shelter. Yep, you got it, savior complex once again! He made my life a living hell, stole my innocence and ability to believe that everyone deserved the benefit of the doubt. He masterminded techniques to manipulate and control my every move. He verbally abused me, tore me down to a sad shadow of who I used to be. He stole my sunshine, I didn’t laugh, smile or cut jokes. I was trapped in a house…he swindled me into buying. I was trapped inside myself and was too ashamed to ask for help because I had allowed all of it to happen. He created guilt to trap me into this life I had no idea I was getting into!

Even though these relationships acted as speed bumps in my life, I learned that I could pick myself up and get back to being who I was with the help of true friends and family. I didn’t stay true to myself and I will never allow a man to stifle my creativity, laughter and joy ever again! I grew into a stronger, wiser woman who still wants true love and romance but now I can read between the lines and the deceit! So any man who wants all the love, compassion and thoughtfulness that I have to offer has to be real, genuine, and true to himself. If he is a nerd…well then be a nerd! If he is a over grown jock that cant give up his glory days of high school and college then lets play flag football! But don’t try to be something you are not, because the truth always surfaces no matter how deep you think you buried it.

We all need to stop hiding our past and embrace it and laugh at ourselves. It took me a long time to be able to tell the ridiculous stories about “Satan” because it still hurt. Now the stories are quite comical because I’ve embraced it as my past and it has made me who I am today. I’ve had men pull the “Ohhh you got the woman scorn, damaged goods syndrome” dance around my heart and don’t want to get too close because they think I’m incapable of love after someone treated me that way, but you know what…if your scared, then keep on walking! This is me, what made me who I am today and I can love 100% and be as loyal as a cocker spaniel, but only to someone that knows themselves and accepts me and all my goofiness and sass!

The lights are my sunshine, the camera are those who surround me and witness this beautiful life that unfolds everyday and the action is all the adventures I select to be apart of along my journey…this stage I call life! When I step on stage, “I am me” the title to my first book I wrote at the ripe ol age of seven. Before I even knew who I was as a person, I was setting things straight…”I am Me”.

Reduce, Re-use and Recycle

Its so trendy to think about our environment and take care of mother earth so reduce, reuse and recycle is an excellent concept to live by as far as your trash is concerned but when it comes to an ex….leave yesterdays trash in the dump!! My Daddy always said “dogs don’t shit where they eat”…in other words don’t do something you will regret later a.k.a recycle an ex!

I have to admit that I used to have what I call the “savior complex”. Basically if you have the “screwed up, your parents didn’t hug you enough, no ones ever loved you” syndrome, I would welcome you with arms wide open and warm smiles. I suppose I was somewhat of a “rescue mission” for mentally unstable, selfish assholes. Needless to say, it never has panned out for my benefit but on the other hand; my cases all ended up with at least a few months of free counseling, much needed attention and a stable environment and not to mention some home cooking. Through the years, I have made a point to learn from my mistakes and try really hard not to repeat my savior complex behavior or “recycle”! This leads me to the ever so…I’m bored/lonely, haven’t dated anyone in a while…lets get back with the ex reasoning that single people do with themselves. We have all had our moments of weakness where you send out a little S.O.S text or phone call to test the waters. It’s certainly ok to check on someone to see how they are doing, its kind …but leave it! They are still the same person that threw their cell phone at your head, stole your credit card to buy you an engagement ring, lied about their marital status, slept with other women when they were on their lunch break and that’s why you dumped them in the first place!!

As always, I am willing to exploit some of my most humbling moments for your entertainment and hopefully to prove a point! I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt…time and time again, even though they have proved me wrong. I suppose it’s my little humanitarian heart that wants to believe in peace on earth, true love, and my knight in shining armor!

I try to protect the identity of those who inspire me so I coin nick names for them. My muse: Pill Popper John. I should have known from college that he was a big mess, with his oh so charming pick up lines he would use on me in Algebra class. The ol “Nice shirt, it would look better in my floor”, “you want to come over and make-out between classes”….and those were the nice ones. He was always really rude and inappropriate and called me a high maintenance Princess, which should have been a red flag that I was too good for him because he was practically telling me so. Years later, I happen to run into him in a different city, exchange cards and set a dinner date. I thought I would give him second chance since he had certainly convinced himself that since he was 30 he had grown up. He took me to dinner at a nice Italian restaurant, only to be followed by a beer pong competition at a co-workers house. He proceeded to chug keg beer, become beer pong champion and disappear for who knows how long, only to emerge half conscious and drooling. Reason being…”oh why not take a vicoden, I’m not going to drive home anyway, I’ve had too much to drink”…sweeet he drove me there. So I go outside to call my dependable cab lady to tell her I’m desperate and to come find me. He stumbles out on porch, tries to sweet talk me into staying and just cant seem to understand “why am I soo pissed, it’s a party, loosen up”…..then yep….he falls off the front porch into the bushes…..end scene! But not so much, I still felt bad for him and went out on a second date….yes I know, what the hell? That one did it for me though. After a few beers at what I like to call an “adult Chuck E Cheese” he started wailing on a punching bag so hard people were starting to stare. Then he proceeded to tell me about having to go to anger management classes and how anger issues pretty much ran in his family (getting my coat, looking for the door) and to top it off, he took off his collar shirt, yes in the bar, to reveal…..the angry leprechaun tattoo….I swear! At that moment, I was in a full sprint!

If people say they have changed most likely they haven’t especially if they have to tell you they have, clearly it’s not enough! It didn’t work out the first time for a reason. For someone to truly change its only because they genuinely want to be nicer, more considerate, and monogamous for once! These changes come with age, heartbreak, mistakes and trials in life.

You have to ask yourself, are you willing to let love in? Are you truly open and available for someone to love you? It’s not someone else’s job to like you, its yours and when you do, then others will just naturally be drawn to you. If you don’t like yourself, your situation or place in life, well guess what, no one else is going to find that desirable either. I laughed when my mom wanted me to have the Jane Seymour “open hearts collection” because she thought I wasn’t open to being loved. Well she was right....because I wasn’t for a long time. I always found something wrong with someone and pushed them away before the “F” word showed its face.….and I mean feelings! Like always, she was right; I needed a constant reminder to be open to love no matter how scary it may be. With great risk comes great reward. If an ex made you close up, push others away and not believe in love….then never and I repeat never go back to them nor give them the credit for keeping you from finding love! Dogs know better than to shit where they eat so why would humans with rational thinking do it??

One mans trash is another’s mans treasure. So stop feeling guilty about letting your little ex butterflies flutter around or fly to another flower…someone else will find their bad breath, annoying laugh, ugly toes, and bad table manners endearing.

Baby’s Breath Men – No fillers please!

Maybe its just my champagne taste or my impeccable preference for the finer things in life (haha) but when I look at a beautiful bouquet of flowers, which I haven’t in a while because for some reason men are retarded to the fact that chivalry is NOT dead, I want to see calla lilies, roses, birds of paradise, exotic orchids, do you get the picture or shall I continue? I don’t want no stinking carnations, pansies and worst of all baby’s breath… paaalease, just like I don’t want baby’s breath men…they are just fillers, substitutes if you will for the real deal. Either way, let me help you visualize this, a bouquet of flowers symbolizes that of your dating life. Why fill your bouquet of life with imitation men and or women? You wouldn’t go to a 5-star restaurant and insist on having the imitation crab, heck no, you want that quality fresh from the Chesapeake Bay blue crab meat …you know what I’m saying! So why wouldn’t you require the same for your dating life?

You are the florist of your life, decorating and arranging your vase with each relationship and dating experience. I don’t know about you but I’ve had my fair share of pansies and baby’s breath and I’m ready to eliminate the crap and start being the master floral expert and fill my vase full of exquisite, centerpiece worthy men! You wouldn’t invite company over for dinner and stick a crappy bouquet of baby’s breath and carnations on the center of the table in an urn now would you? But for some reason we will allow half ass men that just aren’t enough to be apart of your life, introduce them to friends and make excuses for them and their bad behavior! A real man needs to make you laugh, make you feel like a pretty pretty princess, lift you up when you are down, encourage you when someone rains on your parade and puff out his chest like Superman because he is proud to have you on his arm! Simply put by the great pre-crack is whack Whitney Houston “I need a man who’ll take a chance on a love that burns hot enough to last….Ohhhh I wanna dance with somebody!” When the time comes that you can sing that anthem at the top of your lungs and there a man that can fan the flames that burn deep in your loins… then and only then should you allow him to become the center piece of your life. There is no need to settle for second-rate relationships. There are not required by law…and if you treat yourself better than your current fling/relationship/flavor of the week…then why would you downgrade and take yourself off the market? I agree with Beyonce, “Partner let me up grade you, flip a new page, let me introduce you to some new things and upgrade you”….no downgrades, no mediocre men for me!

Baby’s breath is used to just fill in the holes of a bouquet for someone that was too cheap to splurge on some nice foliage or more flowers. Ladies and gentlemen, why do we insist on wasting time on people that we know are not good enough for us? Quality is certainly better than quantity! Maybe it is due to the increasingly popular mental health disorders or a little imbalance in the brain that makes us all an occasional glutton for punishment but enough is enough!! Sure they can occupy your free time here and there, text messages you when you are bored or not with someone else, yes I said it! Simply put, you can’t magically turn that sorry baby’s breath man into the lily of the valley, birds of paradise, or a classic rose…you can’t change someone into what you want them to be. If you can’t accept the person for who they are, then they are not right for you! Now you can try to make a few minor changes like hair cut, clothing choices, and sheew what is with men that can’t dress themselves these days?? Maybe I should invent Garanimals for adults….that’s a thought! I am always willing to step it up a notch for a man I am interested in and that street most certainly goes both ways. We get a little lazy in the middle of relationships and that’s when the wondering eye comes in!

Its time we start treating each other the way that we want to be treated and if that certain someone cannot reciprocate that novel idea then….stop watering those flowers!! They will wilt away and soon enough, there will be mold, they will stink, and you will just let it sit in your flower vase of life while it festers until finally your sorry ass decides to throw it out one day. And when that day comes, uggghhhh moldy stinky flowers, you will wonder why you didn’t do it earlier!

I challenge you to take a little survey of your life and the people that you allow in it. What are these people bringing into your life? Are they uplifting, encouraging, fun to be with or do they use you, put you in a funk and suck all the fun out of you?? I want to be proud of my arrangement and that feeling should be mutual. Don’t allow those baby breath men to suck the oxygen and water out of your vase. The only fillers I need in my life are restylane and botox! So get out your sheers, its time to prune and make room!!

I've Got Sunshine...on a Cloudy Day!

I’ll be glad to share my sunshine with you but I certainly won’t let you steal it :)

I shall deem this my declaration of independence and happiness. Everyday gives you the opportunity to learn something new about yourself, life and the choice to be a better person. Now, don’t mistake this as me on my soapbox but do take this as the way I have chosen to live my life and if you can take something away from it, then wonderful, and if it pisses you off, well then…that's unfortunate but I will not apologize for being happy anymore! I’m not where I want to be but I definitely am not where I used to be… …but I do feel the need to address something that seems to be reoccurring in my life lately. Have you ever noticed that when you are doing something in your life or not doing something in your life but still remain full of joy and happiness despite what may be challenging you, that’s when the bombardment of opinions from those around you seem to come at you like darts. Although I gladly welcome constructive criticism because yes it is part of growing, I will not and repeat will not accept negativity, judgment and just plain out mean criticism. Everyone has a different path in life and thank god for that!! Could you imagine if we were all going after the same “nonexistent perfect man” the same “perfect job” and the same “perfect lifestyle”?? Part of being a friend is to accept others the way they are, their ideas and what they value, even if it is different from yours. I like to surround myself with people I can learn from whether it is culturally, a new hobby or skill, or just someone who enjoys life and can have a good ol “donkey” laugh with you. (Donkey laugh- uncontrollable, loud and not so cute from the diaphragm laugh)

Unfortunately, you have to be aware and guard yourself from those people who want to steal your sunshine. It is so easy to take offence to words someone says to you or about you but at the same time I have to realize that they are talking because they are thinking about you! My momma always says "Hurting people hurt". Although she isn't a widely known prophet she certainly is in my family. It makes a lot of sense. Those who hurt other with their words and actions are the ones who are actually suffering but there is no telling whats is going on in their lives. It takes a stronger person to turn the other cheek and walk away from a nasty mean hearted comment than to stay and fight with words. All you can do is hope that your actions will cause them to reflect a little. No one is ever right all the time, no one is ever done growing and no one can make you happy, that is something that you choose and go after yourself...like a starving lion in the wilderness….go capture you happiness and devour it like its the last meal you will ever enjoy!!

I find myself having to declare my happiness out loud, possibly as reassurance for myself but more so to fend off the evil spirits….aka “the haters”. At any level of success there will always be someone around the corner that doesn't want to congratulate you, share your happiness and encourage you and that's why they are called haters, something is missing in their lives. Let your haters be your motivators! Everything is not meant to be understood, you just have to accept it and have faith that it happened for a reason that is bigger than you. Trying to rationalize everything little thing is only going to frustrate you and hold you back. Of course things are going to happen in life to trip you up, to throw you off of your game and those you surround yourself with can sometimes be the biggest stumbling blocks in life!! What matters is how you accept it, learn from it and move on....YES I SAID MOVE ON and sometimes that can mean literally moving!

I have realized over the past year that many things have been thrown into my path that should have kept me down, that could have gotten the best of me, but I refused. I refuse to let anyone steal my joy, I refuse to allow anyone to criticize me about how I choose to live MY life and I refuse to “dump ugly” on those around me for the sake of thinking it would make me feel better. Encourage your friends and family, compliment someone, just think a little outside of the “you box” and think about if the things you do and say, hurt or help others. Now I’m not trying to be little Miss Sunshine and “Don’t worry be happy” but I’d much rather be considered sunshine than a rainy cloud!

Cultivate humility and kindness because everyone could use a little more nice than a lot more ugly in this world :)