“The idea that men are created free and equal is both true and misleading: men are created different; they lose their social freedom and their individual autonomy in seeking to become like each other.” ~ David Riesman
This nomadic princess holds a resume of relationships that read a little like my professional resume; a hodgepodge of experience. Unfortunately, that experience has mostly created an equation of love + relationship = no autonomy. Perhaps it’s a little selfish of me, but if you are attracted to someone because of their strength, independence, and resilience then why should that change and by all means, why would I want to?
I am no psychiatrist but I am led to believe this is the root of many issues within relationships, at least the demise at my own attempts. Some couples are so willing to give up their dreams and aspirations to please each other and inevitably settle into a massive blob on the couch they end up loosing themselves between the cushions. I, Jennie Goins have been guilty of loosing myself. If I love you, you get it all! My money, my mind, my first time homes owner’s credit, my womb, Layla…and hell Layla’s first born. It seems every time, I find myself roaming the isles of Wal-Mart with the masses, blinded by the fluorescent lights, pretending to care about what cereal he prefers and why I should like the exact same thing and why we should never allow our imaginary children to eat what we grew up on. We then spend Saturday nights doing laundry, ignoring each other and slowly sliding down that slippery slope of ho hum normalcy. Is this what normal people do or just unhappily united couples? Sitting across the table from each other, faces locked into matching laptops, eating dinner, staring off into cyberspace? I’ve been apart of this scene and know other couples who have as well and refuse to once again smell the stench of mediocrity and unfulfilled expectations. Playing the role as ordinary and wondering where Jennie went, leaves me feeling depleted and the only way out of this cycle is to run! Once again, my whole life fits into a storage unit and its time to start over!
I am open to the fact that there is a man out there for each one of us that can take care of our needs, love us unconditionally, and love every weird quirky thing about me; all the while, not expecting me to change just because he wants to put his toothbrush next to mine. It’s not enough to have someone else’s love. It is equally important that you are able to reciprocate those feelings of love and respect. This apprehension has kept me technically single for a few good years now. I have tried a few attempts at what society defines as “relationships” and usually it’s me that goes running for the hills when it gets too real or on occasion I’ve met my match that “pulls a Jennie” before I can…talk about karma!
I occasionally change my mind, take a sporadic detour along my path of life…which by all means, I should. Is it so wrong I want to live my life enjoying the journey and not always having in mind a destination, deadline or a ladder to climb? This issue has poked its ugly little head into most of my relationships because the majority of Americans want security, normalcy and tradition. But no, not me… “Little Miss Fly by the seat of her pants, do everything but ordinary” does not want to invest in this tradition. I want to decorate my tradition with sequins, passport stamps and worldly knowledge. I want to marinate in all that life has to offer, travel millions of miles, shake many hands and learn from the minds of teachers, leaders and the world’s most successful entrepreneurs. If my bucket list consists of riding an elephant in India, milking goats and making goat cheese by the sea in Greece (which it does) and his is to slave away in a cubicle, have 2.5 kids and retire at 60….then somewhere along the road, someone will have to give up their dreams. Its time to start investigating more deeply into what you and a potential lova want out of life because if not, guess who will have to bury their dreams! That would be “Miss want to milk a goat”….then that leaves Granny Jennie sitting on the front porch telling her grandkids that I could’ve, should’ve, would’ve!! I want to be able to look back at my life when I am 110…and yes I said 110 because I plan to live a long healthy life singing Frank Sinatra’s “I did it myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy waaaaaaaaaay”!!
I do believe in both love and autonomy and that yes they can share a bed, have matching toothbrushes and finish each other’s sentences when common goals exist. Dreams are meant to be uniquely yours and most other people will never share the same ones. I would love to be loved and have a companion but not at the risk of mourning the loss of what once was Jennie, a dreamer, free spirited, adventurous little bird who dug her own grave to be someone’s main squeeze. Women, don’t loose that sexy, feminine flirtatious girlfriend role that your man fell for and men don’t forget to remain the prince that opened doors, complimented her endlessly and liked the way she dressed and wore her hair when you met!
To find a man….no… a CHAMPION, with the same spirit of adventure and compassion as myself would be ideal and I am hopeful he exists…..and where he does, I am willing to turn “I” into “we” but not with a silent ME!!
